It’s two o’clock in the morning.
I should not be awake now. My body aches to be sleeping. But I’ve just watched the acceptance speech of Donald Trump and I am so distraught that I cannot sleep.
Mostly because I’m sobbing.
I watched the whole election process with little emotion. I was outraged at some of the comments of course, but I figured, “Hell, it’s business as usual.”
It wasn’t until he won that I burst into tears.
I’d like to say it was some deep political concern for our country that caused me to become all snot-nosed and weepy, but no.
I am concerned about a TV reality show personality (the lowest form of art, only necessitated by the strike of the real writers) running our country. But that’s not reason enough for tears. I know there’s little a president can do alone.
I’m sobbing because America just declared me dispensable.
I’m lucky. I never had to march with Susan B. Anthony for my right to vote. I never had to sit on the back of a bus, or endure spitting or beating as I made my way to a polling location. Other than a raised eyebrow and look-over as I presented my driver’s license (with the Mexican last name, “Dominguez”, I am the whitest Mexican you’ll ever see) I’ve never encountered any resistance at all at the polls.
I thought I was immune. I thought my white skin and my suburban house and my college degree made me somehow untouchable. I thought we all knew that I was worthy.
But now we’ve elected a president, a President of the United States, who proves that I was sorely mistaken. Because evidently, women are little more than playthings.
This election says it is ok to publically rate human beings on a scale of fuckablity, to grab them by their most private parts (or at least to claim to), to kiss them regardless of whether they want to be kissed or not, and to brag about it.
That is if they have a vagina and you have a penis and enough money.
I thought we’d covered this. I thought the 19th amendment started it and the 1960s ended it. I thought we had all agreed that my ability to birth babies did not diminish my ability to think critically, did not diminish my rights as a human being to vote, to own property, to determine the course of my own sexuality or earning potential. I thought my mother had handled this for me, dammit.
But tonight, I see that is not the case.
Tonight I see that millions of my fellow countrymen will happily vote for a leader that considers me, and millions of proud “pussy” possessors, as nothing more than a commodity – corn or wheat or petroleum – available for trade for the largest diamond or French Estate.
What was that poem?
First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.
Oh, yes. That was me.
He talked about the Mexicans. I thought, “Oh, that’s terrible!”
I am not a Mexican.
He talked about the Muslims. I thought, “How despicable!”
I am not a Muslim.
He made fun of the disabled. I thought, “That’s outrageous!”
I am not disabled.
He ridiculed women. I thought, “That’s the end of him!”
I was not correct.
Somehow I thought that I was the unbreachable barrier. That talking about women – objectifying them, assaulting them – was a line we could all agree on. I thought he was over. I thought we were safe.
Now it’s past three o’clock and I’m still shocked, though I am no longer crying.
I’ve never felt the patriarchy more potently, all of my Women’s Studies classes be damned.
Tonight I feel that the majority of people in this country think that I am “less than”. That my daughters are “less than”. I fear my son and my husband, however unwittingly, will begin to believe that we are “less than”. It’s this feeling of utter betrayal that leaves me wrecked and hopeless.
I want to believe that it will all be ok. I want to believe that presidents come and presidents go and the world keeps spinning regardless. I want to say that we’ve seen this before, that little will change.
And perhaps that is true.
But tonight, or this morning (I’ve lost track), all I can do is grieve for a country that thinks I’m not worth fighting for.
Charlene Ross
I think this quote from @HuffPostWomen sums it up: “Hillary Clinton’s concession is the aggregate pain of every woman who has had no choice but to accept a preference for an inferior man.”
My heart is so heavy right now.
Vanessa M
I completely agree with you Jen. I stayed up until 2 in the morning, because I was filled with so much anger and confusion. I watched the entire election process as it went on and everytime Mr. Trump did something or said something dispicable, I was shocked the next day to see he was still very much in the race. Now I feel completely useless to a country that I call my home. What do I tell my 14 year old daughter, who now sees a man who sexually assaults women, sitting in the highest position of our country? What do I tell my 3 sons that now see a man can assaualt women, bad mouth religion and race, make fun of disability, and still he can be voted to the highest position of our country? I am mad, sad, confused, but most of all I feel scared. What will become of this country over the next 4 years? What if this country gets attacked because of things that Trump said, what if more mass shootings happen because he wants to keep guns where they don’t belong? I no longer feel that my 4 hispanic children have a safe and fair chance at a great life in this country. I just don’t know anymore.
Kathleen Moleta
I could not sleep last night.I was so angry and just pissed off .This morning I am still in a fog of confusion.I don’t think people realize how dangerous this man is.Millions of people will lose their health insurance for themselves and their children.I am terrified of what will happen to people who don’t look like a typical Trump supporter.
Dianne
Hi,
I’m so sorry you feel this so personally. I was disgusted by the comments you reference, though gleeful, because I thought, as you did, that the majority of voters would be unable to vote for him once they were made public. Obviously, I was wrong. But I don’t think that means the majority of voters approve of those comments because they view women as less than human, or dispensable.
I am shocked and depressed by the outcome of the election. However, I am able to see that this is just another example of representative government – democracy – in action. It’ll be our turn again someday. Just not today. I lived through Nixon, Ford, Carter, then Reagan (2x), then Bush, then Clinton (2x), then Bush Jr. (2x), then Obama (2x). Hopefully I will survive this too. I don’t take his misogyny personally and assume all those who voted for him share it because, when I vote, I personally sometimes separate a person’s behavior re: certain issues from what I perceive to be their ability to do the job they are applying for. Because I do this, I assume others do too. I don’t assume that everyone who voted for Trump shares his apparent views on women. I hope I’m right.
Honestly, I feel that racism was the prime motivator of last night’s outcome. Pure, fear-driven, desperate racism on the part of a lot of people whose lives I wouldn’t want. If I were a person of color, I might be disappointed and maybe even anxious. But I don’t know. This is the U.S. we’re talking about. Our short history includes a lot of racism, and, honestly, so does our present (even before last night). We still have a long way to go as a society. I have no choice but to keep trudging.
I do hope you start to feel better soon. I love your blog. And thanks for being the first one I encountered today outside my own home to say how you really feel about this!
Kathleen Moleta
You are right about not taking this so personally. Right now it feels like the unknown is out there and it is scary.I have done a lot of thinking in the last few hours and I have decided to focus all of those feelings into something positive.I have to get back to my charity sewing for the babies and children.Sewing gave me a lot of satisfaction, knowing I was doing something for someone else.Keep moving and pray a lot.
Dianne
Well, this is a process, isn’t it? And it’s just beginning. My feelings and opinions on the situation seem to be churning and shifting as I see how many in this country feel that “just accepting” the outcome of the election is not the right thing to do at all. I like what you had to say, Kathleen. And it echoes something a good friend of mine sent me last night, which said, go meet your neighbors, build a community. No matter who wins, election outcomes are not what is going to make our world a better place!” Thanks for being here, all, and Jen for starting the discussion!
Doctor Suess
The real problem with you is not that you have a vagina. Your real problem is that you have too many children and cannot support them without government assistance. People like you should have fewer children.
Jen
Actually, I don’t get government assistance. The real problem with you is that you are an asshole with nothing more useful to do with your time than troll blogs.
It's Dr. Seuss, moron
Hey Seuss, the invitation says “Come on… I am dying to talk to grown ups!” not “Welcome, useless windbags!”
Bee Watcher from Hawtch-Hawtcher
The problem with people like this troll is lost opportunity, really. If you are going to cast your judgement across the Internet under the name of one of the greatest children’s authors, at least RHYME for crying out loud. And while the irony of your post is not lost on me – criticizing someone for having too many kids under the name Dr. Seuss (sic) – I am guessing you don’t understand what irony is. Hate, yes. Irony, no. Just move along, hater. You are lucky my grandmother isn’t alive. She also had five kids and would have hunted you down and tanned your hide RAW for what you just wrote. And on your way out, google “Cat in the Hat” and you’ll find the correct spelling is S-E-U-S-S.
Leigh Price
The problem with people like this troll is lost opportunity, really. If you are going to cast your judgement across the Internet under the name of one of the greatest children’s authors, at least RHYME for crying out loud. And while the irony of your post is not lost on me – criticizing someone for having too many kids under the name Dr. Seuss (sic) – I am guessing you don’t understand what irony is. Hate, yes. Irony, no. Just move along, hater. You are lucky my grandmother isn’t alive. She also had five kids and would have hunted you down and tanned your hide RAW for what you just wrote. And on your way out, google “Cat in the Hat” and you’ll find the correct spelling is S-E-U-S-S.
It's Dr. Seuss, moron
Hey Seuss, the invitation says “Come on… I am dying to talk to grown ups!” not “Welcome, useless windbags!”
Anonymous
Actually, getting WIC benefits is government assistance. (And you did state that you get this in your blog about rewind a large family.) However, there is no reason for people to be hateful. Opinions can be stated nicely.
Anonymous
Should be ‘feeding’ not ‘rewind’. Not sure how autocorrect got that one….
Jen
Yes, WIC is government assistance and I did mention (nearly 2 years ago) that we received WIC in the middle of a blog post designed to help people who are struggling figure out how to feed their families.
However, that was quite a while ago and we no longer get WIC or any other kind of assistance. That sort of assistance is designed to be a stop gap help in times of distress. The assumption that it is a lifestyle choice is ridiculously ignorant.
Additionally, the blog post the commenter left this nastiness on had nothing to do with that previous post. Instead, it was about my emotional reaction to the election. I don’t consider its appearance on this particular post a coincidence.