I was thirty-six years old before I could identify my own favorite color, or say with conviction that I hate ABBA.
Like a lot of people, I grew up with a wet finger in the air, testing the direction of the wind, ready to trim my sails, and change course at a moment’s notice. I didn’t waste much time becoming attached to my opinions; if they caused conflict, I cut them loose and headed for safer waters. I was born and bred a people pleaser. Being liked was Safety Protocol Number One.
In some ways, this was an excellent preparation for life. I’m incredibly good at sensing nuance in conversation or body language; great at adapting my own behavior for maximum good will. I don’t make rash decisions, or jump to conclusions, instead, I analyze all possible perspectives – especially those that seem irrational. I’m rarely surprised by a response, or unprepared for a reaction. I’ve nearly perfected the art of personality calibration.
In other ways, however, this driving need to be approved of has stifled, stymied, and sabotaged me, a million times over. Fear of disapproval has hounded me for the entirety of my life, backing me into some very dark and quiet corners.
But friends, I have been to the mountain top. I’ve seen what’s on the other side, and I’m here to report that it is NOT. THAT. BAD.
It turns out that the world does not end if you do something that other people don’t like. No hovercraft appears to cart you away to a remote and desolate island. No men in black suits knock upon your door, armed with a red letter “A” for “Asshole” that will follow and ostracize you for the rest of your natural life. In fact, from the outside, nothing at all noteworthy happens. I realize that this is not news for many of you, but for me, it was the discovery of penicillin.
How did I find out?
Well, I wrote a post last week about my husband being fired. (You can find that post here) It was angry. It was unflattering. It had a lot of bad words. It was also true. I knew at the outset that some people would be uncomfortable, some people would be offended, some people would be disappointed and down right pissed off. This is NOT an ideal situation for a person like me. So why did I write it?
Because it was real. And real is kinda what I’m going for. No matter what Forbes thinks, this is not a cooking blog.
As I analyzed my requirements for a post (Is it true? Is it interesting? Does it banish shame and foster connection?) I realized that I had requirements. That somewhere along the line, I had decided what was important to ME, and that, in the act of deciding, I had made myself an authority figure in my own life. Hello, personal revolution.
The response was instantaneous. Within minutes I received text messages, Facebook messages, emails and comments – mostly positive, a few expressing dismay that I’d share such raw feelings with the world at large.
I’ve got to be honest: the negative reactions hit me harder. Like any true people pleaser, I have a sliding scale for public reaction. Basically, it works like this: Positive Affirmation = 1 point, Criticism = 100 points. According to the rules of that game, there was no way I could win. No matter how many other people stood in support of my righteous potty-mouthed rage, they could never outweigh the few that did not. The system was rigged, and at some point, it occurred to me that I was the one who had rigged it. Not only was I weighing some votes more heavily than others, I was completely eliminating the one vote that should carry the most weight: Mine. After all, I’m the one who has to live with the consequences of what I do or do not say, how I do or do not behave.
So, I sat myself down and had an old-fashioned “Come to Jesus.”
I asked Myself if I had the right to say what I’d said.
Myself said, “Yes.”
I asked Myself if there was any legitimacy to other people’s objections.
Myself said, “Yes.”
I asked Myself if I stood behind my decision anyway.
Myself said, “Absolutely.”
So, I awarded Myself 1,000,000 points, declared a victory, and poured Myself a glass of wine.
I care about what people think of me, I do. My feelings are still easily hurt. I still want ALL of the people to be happy with me, ALL of the time. But suddenly, it has occurred to me that I AM ONE OF THE PEOPLE.
Hey, people pleasers out there: YOU ARE ONE OF THE PEOPLE!!! Click To TweetTry it. You just might like it.
I wish all of you calm waters. I wish you all unanimous votes, and lives free of dissent. But I also wish you the courage of your convictions. So that, just in case Mom was right, and there is no pleasing all the people all the time, you can still stand at your back door at twilight, point at the sky and say, “That. There. The deep blue of the sky, just before the inky trees dissolve into darkness. That is the best color in the world,” and know that it is. That your vote counts just as much as anybody’s.
Big Daddy
I vote,,,,,,YES, you are as right as rain,,,, no matter how many want it to remain dry.
Denise
It must be a growing up in the South or in Charlotte but I to am a people pleaser trying to recover and discover my preferences, find my voice. Thanks for being you and letting us see you. That is courage and for that I celebrate you! Love you!
Lisa Connor
Oh, Jen. Wow. I SO identify with this. Just brilliant. Thank you. And now I have a confession: I struggled when first reading your blogs. They were SO GOOD that I didn’t want to read them. Wha?! This didn’t make sense to me until I realized that I was jealous. Yuck. Why can’t I come to some Positive self-discovery once in a while??? For most of my life I’ve wanted to be a writer. I even had a blog for many years (well, I still have one, but it just highlights other people’s poetry that I love and want to share). Anyway, with my personal blog, I wanted to express and connect and I tried to be honest and insightful and relevant and even light-hearted when possible. Honestly, it wasn’t bad. Maybe it was even good sometimes. But I’ve finally come to accept that I don’t have “the gift.” You, my dear, have “the gift,” and I’m happy to report that now that I’m past my jealousy, I can read and relish and thoroughly enjoy your blogs. And I have hours of reading to look forward to, because now I’ll go back and read all those posts that jealousy kept from me!
It’s an honor to be a contributor to your gift. I am rooting for you BIG time. Many people have made a living off less talented writing. I’m raising my wine glass to you in hopes of you getting a book deal. You really are that good.
Jen
Jeez Lisa. I’m extremely tempted to “aw shucks” my way out of this one, point out the million reasons that you’d be misguided to be jealous of me. But I’m working on my worthiness (that therapy has got to start pulling it’s weight!) so I will just say, Thank You. Thank you for your kindness and your honesty and your support. You are wonderful and oh so talented in so many ways, and just keep raising that glass, sister. I’ll raise one right back atcha.
Meghan Glick
Girl, you get a big ole thumbs up from me! I read your blog because it’s REAL! The raw emotions, clean or not… I LOVE IT! Keep on pleasing yourself! At the end of the day all that matters are the feelings of those in the 4 walls of your home. Keep on keepin!
Jen
Thanks Meghan!
Bonnie
Amen sister!!
Kevin B
I’m not sure if my initial comment got posted, so I’ll try again. I can totally relate to the first few paragraphs about being a people pleaser. I’m real good at it too. Too good! I’m finally realizing I can have my own opinion and stick to it. Thank you for sharing your raw emotion in this post and in the one about your husband losing his job. It was deep and powerful, and most of all it was REAL!
Kati
I have decided to make you my new best friend. This post is great and hits me just right, I am 29 ( for the first time) and haven’t ever thought my vote counts. I sway from be very loyal and giving to like I deserve respect and this isn’t respect.This is manipulation. This year I have set a lot of things down that are hard to do, but have given me time to reimagine who I am and my trejectory. I hope you and your family are all doing well, I have been through really hard financial times( my husband has a philosophy degree 🙂 ) And I have to say that you being proud of your husband right now is the most important thing you can do. Men need their women to be in awe of them and treat them like rock stars, and it is amazing what that can do for a man. My replies to friends when they complain about their husbands is that they should surprise him with a bj 🙂 It is so much easier to come out of hard times when you have taken the fun support loving approach… Have a great Monday! Kati
Jen
Yay! New best friend!