Man, this is awkward. But it’s really important so I’m going to soldier through.
When I was about your age, my father took me on a motorcycle ride. He drove me out into the middle of nowhere (which was fabulously fun, by the way), stopped in some plowed field, and tried to give me the facts of life. He did the best he could, but it still made me want to throw up into my shoes. Just like you, when I was twelve I already understood the basics about the birds and the bees. What my dad was trying to do was prepare me for the subtleties. But, I don’t really think that’s a dude job.
You know how in our family there are certain tasks I’ve handed over to Daddy? Usually the icky ones like plunging the toilet or taking out the garbage? Those are dude jobs, for those of us lucky enough to have dudes to do them. Believe me, there are more than enough chick jobs to make up for it. Like childbirth for example. That’s surely worth twenty years of trash duty.
Anyway, there’s something I want to tell you that most definitely falls outside the spectrum of dude speciality: I want to talk to you about sex. Ew, gross… I know. But bear with me.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Pretty soon you’re going to start thinking that boys are maybe not that disgusting. Maybe you already think so, though I know your exposure to them is pretty limited. After you think they aren’t that gross you’re going to start thinking that some of them are pretty downright intriguing. Hot, you might call it. That’s totally ok. (Of course it’s totally ok if you think girls are hot instead, but at this point, I don’t really see you leaning that way – besides, lets be honest: girls are less scary than boys.) That’s how it’s supposed to be. In fact, in other cultures (or Jerry Lee Lewis Land) you’d be getting married in the next six months or so.
Please. Don’t be ashamed about it. Let me just call a spade a spade and say that being ashamed about your sexuality is about as anti-feminist as you can get. After all, boys think about sex all the time. Why shouldn’t you?
So, when that time comes, sometime in the next week, next month, next year or two, there are a few things I’d like you keep in mind:
First of all, you don’t owe anyone anything. NOT.ONE.DAMN.THING.
There is no dinner or prom ticket or concert pass that buys anything from you but your polite and heartfelt “Thank you.” Thank you should be enough. If it’s not, you’re dealing with a john not a boyfriend. (A “john” is a man who pays women for sex, by the way. That’s a conversation for another day.) Ditch him.
Second, there is no such thing as “too late to change your mind.”
No matter what people try to sell you, sex is not a ride at an amusement park where once you buckle in, you’re in for the duration. You are allowed stop at any time. This doesn’t make you a bitch or a tease or anything other than a person who’s reconsidered. If someone says otherwise, ditch him.
Third, sex is something that you do with another person not for another person.
In other words, you should be enjoying it as much as he is. As uncomfortable as it is, I think I should linger on this point a minute…
When I was growing up we had a system of bases. First base was kissing. Second base involved breasts. Third base meant you’d put your hands on someone’s private bits and a home run was actual intercourse. Now, your generation has tossed oral sex into the mix and completely thrown off our system. We didn’t even have a base for that.
Lets be clear: there’s nothing bad or wrong or shameful about oral sex. It’s just that it’s sex. And that means it should be reciprocal. It’s not a favor. It’s not like getting someone a glass of water to be nice. It’s something you do with someone. Which implies that they should be doing something too. And while we are on the topic: there is nothing gross or disgusting or god-forbid “fishy” about your girl parts. All decent boys know this. If someone says otherwise, ditch him.
Last but not least, I can tell you from scores of personal experience that having sex with someone you actually love is loads better than having sex with someone you just think is kinda cute.
Trust me on this. Even so, I’d be a hypocrite if I told you to wait until you got married (though your father is totally in favor of that plan) or to wait until you’re twenty or to wait for some other arbitrary benchmark.
So I’ll just say this: please wait to have sex (any kind of sex) until you are 100% sure that you want to do it. Wait until you feel confident enough and safe enough and self-assured enough to know you are going to get out of it what you want to get out out of it. Wait until you’ve weighed the risks and rewards and decided on the best course of action.
You are probably going to make some mistakes. I hope they aren’t too painful. But as my mother once told me, “There is nothing new under the sun.” You can always come tell me. I’ll do what I can, and I won’t even tell your father unless you want me to. No worries. He should be busy enough with rest of his dude jobs.
Steve
This should be in the form of a pamphlet like those you get at the doctor’s office. Great job!
Jessi Goodwin
This is so incredible and powerful and perfect! My daughter is only 4 but I have been thinking about this talk since before she was born… I am still healing from the emotional scars developed, not by the act of sex, but by the rejection I felt from my own mother when I needed to have this very conversation with her. Thank you for clearly outlining the importance of self-respect and boundaries without judgement or shame.
Jen
Thank you and I’m so sorry. Unfortunately, there’s long been a culture of shame around female sexuality. As if by making it something you can’t talk about it will make it something you don’t do. Of course, our biology is wired to overcome this, no matter how many layers of shame it must endure to do it.
Cat
you are a wonderful mother.
I waited. but not because anybody told me to. and not because somebody told me it was my right. or that I should be proud of my sexuality. because no one ever did. I waited because I wanted it to mean something. and it did. I was a legal adult by the time I had sex. but I wish people had told me what you are saying here. I wish I had never felt bad about my sexuality. because I did. and my mother never realy seemed open to talk about it. so I am thanking you for wrighting this. because your daughter is very very lucky to have you.
Laura Clifford
Or you might suggest that she wait until she is past 40 and has had a couple of years with a therapist. That’s how long it took me to figure it all out.
Jen
Hahaha! She’s going to need a lot of therapy!
Laura
I sincerely wish someone had said these things to me when I was a girl. I think it would have made such a difference to my self respect growing up. Much though I would have probably been rolling my eyes and cringing at the very idea of having any adult try to talk with me about this stuff. Eeww!
Still, Darling Niece, while you are probably mortified right now, try take these things your mother says to heart. They are Very Good Advice.
I would only add: Just remember, nothing you could ever do or not do would cause either of your parents to love you even the slightest bit less. Seriously. But should you ever find yourself not yet able to talk to your parents about something, I’m only a phone call or email away. Any time. Any reason. Literally. Honestly.
Jen
So sweet, and I know you mean it, Aunt Laura.
Amanda
Ok woman. You’re officially my internet best friend, even though I’ve never commented before and I sort of feel like I’m stalking you. Completely normal, right!?
This is beautiful. I also have a preteen daughter (and three younger siblings on her heels). The public school she attends just gave the “boys and girls are different” speech and shared a cheesy video while passing out panty liners and deodorant. We have created a very open environment in our family, and she feels comfortable enough to ask me questions that I’M uncomfortable with, haha. It has been my goal to be the person for them that I needed the most at their age. So this … this is perfect. We’re in the same boat, navigating similar seas. Thank you for sharing your journey. And rock on woman … you’re doing fabulous! Your daughter is lucky.
M
Ahh this is great! <3 Thank you for mentioning that she should feel free to be attracted to people of any gender.
I'm guessing you've already talked about this with your daughter, so my comment might be moot…but something to keep in mind for when you continue this conversation is to lose the parenthetical about "I don't see you leaning that way." Because my mom wrote me a similar letter to this and she said the same thing about me. Aaand she wasn't quite right, which made me feel sort of unseen. Maybe write "Of course it’s totally ok if you think girls are hot too/instead."? Anyway, this is wonderful!