Hey guys.
I want to talk about hide and seek.
You know how you keep begging me to play, and I keep saying, “Not right now,” but I say it in that really grumpy voice that makes you cry? I’m really sorry about that.
I’m sorry that I never want to go to the playground, or even jump on the trampoline. I’m really extra sorry that when you gather around me because you want to help make dinner, I do that scary bird thing with my hands and tell you, “Back off! Let me breathe! Leave me alone!” I know you’d be really good helpers. I know you’re big now and you’ll try really hard not to make a mess.
It’s just, I’m a little bit sick. It’s not the tummy ache kind of sick, or the coughing kind of sick. It’s a feelings kind of sick. The sickness I have makes me really sad and anxious. Anxious is just a fancy word for the way you feel when your sisters pile all the pillows up on you and then sit on the top. It’s that can’t breathe feeling. I feel like that a lot. Even when I’m just standing in the kitchen. So I talk to myself, quietly in my head, and remind myself to take deep breaths, but sometimes I don’t hear what you’re saying to me because I’m trying so hard to remember how to breathe. I know you get frustrated that I’m not listening. But, baby, it’s not because I don’t care, it’s just that breathing is really important. All that thinking about breathing and trying not cry or yell makes me really tired. It makes me wish it was nap time ALL.DAY.LONG.
You know how when you’re sick you just want to lie on the couch under the snuggly blankets and watch Daniel Tiger all day? It’s the same kind of thing. And you know how you don’t want to play picnic or color pictures with your sisters but it’s not because you’re mad at your sisters, it’s just because you don’t feel good? Well, that’s the same too. I’m not mad at you, I just don’t feel good.
I didn’t want to tell you I was sick because I didn’t want you to be scared. I know it’s scary when grown ups aren’t well, even if you know they are going to get better. But I see now that not telling you is just making you a different kind of scared. I can tell that you’re scared that you’ve done something wrong, and I’m a little scared that you think I don’t love you anymore.
That’s not true, baby. I love you so, so much. I will always, always love you even if you color all over the walls and spill the whole dinner on the floor. There is NOTHING you can do that is so bad that it will make me stop loving you.
And there’s more good news: I might be a little sick right now, but I have a lot of good people who are helping me get better. Good doctors and good friends. When you’re sick, you need both. I have medicine (too bad it’s not the yummy purple kind) that is helping, and your daddy is helping, and you are helping too. When you come curl up in my lap and put your sweet little hands on my face – that helps a lot.
I’m already feeling a little better. Every day I get little bit less tired and sad and it feels like there are fewer pillows on my head. Really soon I’m going to be all well and then we’ll play hide and seek for HOURS. I’ll count first, and when I get to 20, I’ll even look for you.
Heidi Soliman
I hope u do share this with ur kiddos, and I’m really glad u are in touch with what’s happening with u. I grew up with a single mom who had chronic depression, that was left untreated and went rapidly down hill often. No one ever explained anything to me…. The whole thing has shaped who I am significantly. I often over accept people, don’t share my opinions or make a hassle with my feelings. I think much of my child hood was spent floating. Anyway, motherhood is hard, and I know we all have our battles. I hope ur victory comes soon. <3
-the new boston gal who loves ur grocery plan
Dianne
You have spoken for millions of mothers with this post. I am sorry you are suffering, but thank you for sharing what you are going through with the world. I hope you feel better soon.
Cat
this made me cry. a lot. iv been depressed for a long time,so has my mother. I cant explain what it was like to read this. because even though my mother’s depression(and now my father’s) has happened more as iv gotten older this still felt like I was both the one trying to eplain,as well as somebody that it was written to. you are a wonderful parent. your openness and ability to open up and be honest about how you are feeling is something I admire and respect. It makes me very happy to know that you are feeling abit better. id also like to say that if you need a break and would like somebody to watch the kids for a while during the week (im normaly free Monday – Thursday) I would be happy to. anyway,i just want to let you know that this post is exstreamly touching and meaningful. im not wording this very well. so I will stop babbiling. I hope your world continues to get brighter.
-Cat
JB
“Sometimes I feel…cold as steel…broken like I’m never gonna heal…I see a light, a little hope in a little girl…Hello world…” (Lady Antebellum, Hello World). It’s a beautiful song, and sometimes makes me cry. Children ALWAYS know when there is something wrong, like radar, or a second sense. Don’t be afraid to let them see you cry. Don’t be afraid to tell them that sometimes the weight of the world is a heavy one, they need to know that it can be unkind, but also that you can get through it. The lessons you teach them now about how to get through life will aid them in their own future struggles. A hug can be a gift, a smile a lifeline, the sound of infectious laughter a song in the darkness. One breath at a time, one heart beat becomes one step forward. Try to live only for “this” moment. Worrying about a future that may NOT be is wasteful…I know…I do it all the time. Sometimes I need a reminder too. You are not alone, as long as you can put out your hand. Thank you for being brave enough to share. Now share with them, protecting them is part of what you do, but it can put up a wall between you too. Being brave enough to be vulnerable amongst those you love is one of the hardest lessons of all.
Amy onstad
Yes. Thank you for being brave enough to share —and so vividly.
Tonya Jordan
Yes to all of this! I think my grown kids now understand me a little bit better than when they were little. Unfortunately I passed on too many of my quirks (disorders) to my children. Anxiety and stress are so common anymore I just feel its normal. Kids are smarter than people want to believe and I think your letter is an excellent explanation to them. I wish I could have come up with these exact same words years ago. Thank you for sharing
Big Daddy
Tremendous expression of anxiety. It’s like sending a teenager off in a car, alone.
The ‘what if’ factor takes over almost every thought. I don’t know if it would help;
If you could put the idea of Bahba Rondos in your head,,”Be Here Now” is was a
book I read a L ong time ago. The I Ching “Perseverance Furthers” .
Mitzi
I love you and hope things start to improve in your life very soon. Leg me know if Ican help you in any way.
Heather
Thank you so much for this article, my daughter and I read it together. You said exactly how I feel and I’m sure this article will help a lot of people.
Jen
I’m glad it helped and I’m sorry you’re in the midst of struggle. Here’s to coming out stronger on the other side.