I’m a B2B copywriter. This means that I’m constantly having to learn new phrases and industry terms used by my clients.
Recently, it occurred to me (based on empirical evidence) that perhaps the breakdown in my household communication stems from a lack of a common vocabulary.
I’ve provided this primer of common household phrases (and their meanings) in order to right this egregious wrong. Feel free to share this resource with your family if you feel it would be beneficial.
It’s Time to Go:
We need to leave the place we are and go somewhere else RIGHT NOW. If we are driving, I’m going out to the car and I’ll be putting it in gear in the next 90 seconds. I have two choices for this maneuver: Drive (forward) or Reverse (backward). Our mutual goal is to ensure I make the correct choice. Your contribution to this goal involves getting to the vehicle as quickly as possible, with as little screaming as possible, so I can think. I’m getting old – rushing DOES NOT help me think.
Synonyms:
- We’re leaving.
- Get in the car.
- I hope they like you because if you don’t come right now, they’ll be adopting you.
Antonyms:
- This would be a good time to pet the cat, trim your fingernails, find the book that’s been missing for a month, make a snack, hide in the closet.
Dinner is Ready:
There is food (that I’ve ostensively made, but definitely purchased) sitting on the table, waiting for you to eat. It’s there now. Growing colder by the second. It’s practically begging to be put in your mouth. Regardless of whether you love that food or not, it isn’t going to be improved with time. Put your butt in chair, express your gratitude, and stuff your face. Now.
Synonyms:
- Food’s on the table.
- Come eat.
- Sit or starve.
Antonyms:
- Why don’t you finish your chapter/level/TV show?
- This would be a good time to take a shower or engage in some other lengthy trip to the bathroom.
Please Pick Up Your ________:
You’ve left something (your backpack, shoes, markers, candy wrapper, dirty underwear) somewhere it doesn’t belong – very likely the middle of the dining room floor. I want you to retrieve it and put it away. WHERE IT BELONGS. Here’s a hint: the floor of the next room is almost NEVER where it belongs.
Synonyms:
- Whoever left this on the floor, come get it!
- Please come clean this up!
- I have a garbage bag – if this is here in 30 seconds it’s fair game!
Antonyms:
- I’d like you to nudge that thing with your foot and then forget about it.
- Let’s litigate who’s most messy!
- See that? Kick it under the couch.
I’m in the Shower:
Um… I’m in the shower. Washing my body and hair of all the funk that life with five kids accumulates. There’s water running – it’s hot and wonderful and LOUD. I can’t hear what you are saying from over there in the hall.
Since my fancy shower is basically a high-priced fishbowl (and I’m a shy Shammo) I’ve locked the door. You’ll have to wait five minutes for a snack, or a show, or another referee session. If I have to turn off this sorry-excuse-for-a-spa to deal with yet another non-crisis I’m going to be angry. And wet. AND NAKED. Remember that.
Synonyms:
- I can’t help right now, give me five minutes.
- I really can’t hear you, please wait.
- I’m buck-ass naked, how much do you REALLY need me?
Antonyms:
- Let’s talk about that upcoming sleepover.
- I’d love to slice up some apples.
- Great suggestion! This is a great time to reset the router.
There are more. There are so.many.more.
It’s amazing how hard it is to communicate effectively with people who supposedly speak your language.
Feel free to add to the list.
It’s the holidays after all – sharing is caring!
Come on... I am dying to talk to grown ups!