There’s this article that’s been floating around Facebook recently titled: 5 Reasons Marriage Doesn’t Work Anymore. I kinda hate to link to the article because, well, I didn’t like it. It read like a melodramatic high school essay on “Why My Town Sucks,” written by a kid whose girlfriend and best friend were just discovered hooking up behind the 7-11.
I know, yikes. Harsh. Especially coming from the girl who just went to the mattresses with her own Internet troll. But here’s the thing: we’ve ALL written a piece like that: the kind of thing that makes readers itch and divert their eyes from what is clearly a gaping wound. If we’re lucky, we didn’t publish it, if we’re not so lucky, we did, but, hopefully, it will soon be forgotten. The trouble with the Internet is that page views (clicks) are king, but there is no distinguishing between the clicks that mean people are engaged and the clicks that result from virtual rubbernecking. So the writer may be inspired to continue along this path, considering it’s “popularity”, when really, he’d be better off chalking this one up to an exercise in getting it off his chest. In short, I feel sorry for the guy.
Anyway, his basic list of why marriage doesn’t work anymore was this:
- Sex becomes almost nonexistent
- Finances cripple us
- We’re more connected than ever before, but completely disconnected at the same time
- Our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved
- Social media just invited a few thousand people into bed with you
Essentially, what he seemed to be saying was that married people don’t have sex, or real intimacy anymore, because we are all up in Facebook trying to generate a bunch of “likes” and “shares” without liking or sharing anything in the real world.
Now, this is not my experience of marriage. Even his take on finances (an education costs 200k+, a home: over 300k) didn’t ring true, and I’m the first to admit that being broke is stressful. However, there was one thing that was very relatable and familiar: this idea that life is harder for “us” now than it was for “them” then.
I’ve been hearing some version of this since I was a teenager. “Gen Xers are the first generation who can expect a lower standard of living than their parents,” “Millennials face unprecedented peer-pressure” etc. etc. etc. And I’m not doubting the data behind these statements. I’m just doubting the purpose. Is it truly harder, as the author of the “5 reasons” essay suggests, for married couples to remain connected given the distractions of the digital age? Is it harder than, say, the couples who were married in the 30s and had to endure the Great Depression and then years of separation due to WWII? Really? Why are we even comparing? Is there some prize given out for being part of the generation that had it the hardest? Or, is it possible that we are all just so freaking shocked by how hard this thing called living is that we assume it must have been easier for everyone else?
Why? Where on earth did we get the idea that it should be easy? If you’ve ever seen a baby born, let alone birthed a baby, you know that is not easy. It’s brutal and painful and horrifying and beautiful and glorious. If you’ve ever watched someone die, watched them struggle for last, labored breaths, you know that doesn’t look easy either. So why, in God’s name, do we expect the part in between to be less difficult?
The most profoundly helpful realization I’ve ever had is this: I’m not doing it wrong, it’s just life is supposed to be hard. It’s supposed to be joyful and exciting and beautiful and challenging. Because challenge is what makes you grow. Challenge is what gets the baby off her tummy and onto her knees; it’s what gets her off her knees and onto her feet. The name of the game is joy in the midst of, not instead of difficulty.
So, who cares if life (and marriage) is harder for us now, in the age of constant digital interaction than it was for our grandparents in the age of constant manual labor? As my father is fond of saying, “It is what it is.” But whether it is or it isn’t, I suspect life and marriage can still “work” if we are willing to accept that that is exactly what it takes.
JB
I did read this with some interest. I have been delightfully married for 27 years (to the same man, LOL). We have cell phones, which are rarely on, and we carry only as an emergency measure. We have no TV in our bedroom, kitchen or bath. Neither of us has ever taken a “Selfie” (and I only just learned what they were) and we don’t have a clue how to text, or why that should be better than picking up the phone (I can talk faster than I can type). I never post anything I wouldn’t be proud for my grandmother to see, or my seriously religious neighbours. More importantly, I CHOSE this man. Unlike the rest of my family (some good, some…not so much) that I didn’t get to choose. We meant our wedding vows; I believe in “forsaking all others” (although it should be noted that my Dad wrote our wedding vows and there was no mention of “obey”!) for his happiness and well-being. I don’t have “girls’ nights” out…because I don’t want to…I have everything I want and need … at home. I married the man who looked into my soul and thought it was beautiful…even the parts I know are not. We falter, we fall down, we get up, but always as a team. Life isn’t meant to be easy, and happiness is not a guarantee. “You can choose to be right, or you can choose to be happy.” We choose happy, every day, with each other. No electronics required.
Trisha
So well said!
Karen
I agree that my generation and my parents also had way more manual labor in their daily lives, but I also believe they did spend much more intimate daily contact since there were less distractions. Doing dishes together, one washing the other drying was a great time to talk. Watching tv or going to the movies or a play or concert were shared experiences. Playing games were family affairs, Taking rides in the car was a weekly event, not just to run errands. ETC. I do believe many times I see folks at a restaurant table, or walking and they have their eyes glued to the smart phone. Let alone letters, so sweet to read again years later. I fear that era is over. Marriage was and is hard sometimes, and yet when it is good it completes our need to be loved. Knowing you have that makes me happy.
Jen
Oh Nana, I want to sit right down and write you a letter. Xoxo
Kelly
This is a great perspective. I think our generation believed life would be easy, and when it’s not, we chafe against it. I have been on a journey to embracing the hard and letting it make me better.
Big Daddy
Nicely expressed grasshopper. There is a book/philosophy, I-Ching. which I relished in my “flower days”. Your so hip you probably know
all about the I Ching. One of the maxims out of thousands,:
PERSEVERANCE FURTHERS. Think about it. I love ya girl.