My husband has been unemployed since September 11, 2015. That’s ten months, one week, and nine days, or rather, an eon.
I don’t want you thinking he’s been sitting around on the couch in his undershirt drinking Natty Light – he’s worked, but he hasn’t had a JOB. You know, the kind of thing where you go in everyday and in return they give you a paycheck and maybe some health insurance.
Mostly, I’ve been handling this well. I’ll just go ahead, toot my own horn, and say I’ve been exceptionally calm and patient. I know it takes time to get a new job, especially if you’re an arts educator in the middle of a school year.
Besides, he’s felt so bad about being unemployed that he basically just took over mothering and wifing and so I get to sit around in my undershirt and drink Natty Light. Ok, not really, but it has lightened my load by about seventy percent. It’s actually been quite lovely except for the no steady income part.
He’ll be out hanging lights for some event in the middle of the night, and I’ll be at home congratulating myself on how well we are weathering this storm – how someday soon, after he’s landed a job even better than the last (with a much larger salary), we’ll look back on this period as Watsky says:
“reminiscing on some wasn’t we
Just so down and out
But we were happy then…”
I’ve been scared, yes, a little, but mostly just excited to see where we’ll land.
And then we landed.
Sort of.
Which is to say that Mike is going to do the thing that he’s been working towards since the day I met him.
The Big Dream.
The “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” dream.
In fact, as I write this, he’s off doing it right now. He’s well prepared. He has the experience, the knowledge, the passion, and a great partner. He’s designed his entire professional career around building this thing and now he’s actually doing it.
It’s awesome.
I’m ridiculously proud.
I’m also a little pissed off.
Because here’s the thing: I didn’t realize that all that time I was congratulating myself on my patience and fortitude, I was actually trying to strike a secret bargain with the god of middle-class income: “I’ll bear up now, I’ll be happy and grateful and positive, so that when I get the safety and security that I’m waiting for, I will have deserved it.”
I was operating under a delusion so ridiculous, and frankly, embarrassing, that I couldn’t even admit it to myself: The idea that given a little distance from arts education my husband would decide that he wanted to pursue a career in something completely different. Say, hedge fund management for example.
This was always about as likely as a pony birthing a pig, but that’s the power of magical thinking.
I didn’t even know I’d been doing it until I caught myself acting like a premenstrual teenager with a busted phone and a sunburn – all curt comments, deep sighs and eye rolls. I’ve spent enough time in therapy to know anger is either hurt or fear. It’s not hard to figure which one wins this time.
I’m terrified.
I’m not going into the nitty-gritty of Mike’s project here. Suffice it to say, it’s exactly what he needs to be doing. I believe that with every fiber of my being.
And still, I’m scared. I’m worried about money, obviously, but it’s about so much more. It’s about trying to find the courage to watch someone you love be brave, when absolutely everything is hanging on the line. It’s about how much risk actually demands of us – the patience, the vulnerability, the faith. I’m learning that money is the least of it.
I’m sure my husband can pull this off, but I’m not so sure about me. I have a selfish streak. Hello, I have FIVE kids.
You know how when a man wins an Oscar he talks about how he couldn’t have done it without the undying support of his beautiful wife? Well, let’s just say that man is not married to me. I really want to be that wife, I do. But the reality is more like this clip from The Force Awakens:
Yeah. I kinda suck at cheerleading.
Thankfully, Mike knew that when he married me a gazillion sixteen years ago. Just like I knew that he would never (ever, ever) be a hedge fund manager.
Friends, I’d adore my husband if he was a fry cook at McDonalds, that’s the “for better or worse” part I signed up for. And this new endeavor? Well, it’s kinda like both rolled into one.
So if you don’t mind, could you send some positive energy out there for us? Mike could use a little for his new job. And me, well, I’m gonna need A LOT.
Chris Butler
Well, you’re not alone. Both my wife and I are starting new, risky paths – and they’re both personal dreams. I’m doing a startup, and she’s pursuing civic engagement. We’re both making some money, but it definitely puts stress on our family situation. We, too, are crossing our fingers that it works out.
What’s new about it for us? This is the first time she’s left the house for a job in a while, and it changes the home dynamic; I have been fortunate enough to work from home as a coder for a while now. I’m glad that’s she’s been able to find work that gives her purpose and pays her. I feel like our society secretly (or not so secretly) punishes people psychologically if they’re non-income-producing adults. I’ve always appreciated the space she gave me ultimately keeping the family flow together. She has always handled the kids’ travel, the social connections with other parents, the groceries purchased, and our personal finances. Her new job has increased my load lightly in those responsibilities and that’s fine.
The actual stress comes from the additional balls-in-the-air. With more of our combined time taken by work, that means we communicate a little less and more of the odd to-dos fall in the cracks. Maybe some of those don’t matter, but some do. And the knowledge that we can’t keep up all the time weighs on me. Since we get less time together, it’s hard to release some of that stress through an understanding ear too – but we try to make do.
Maybe that’s where the country is though – everyone feels taxed and life is a little more difficult. I don’t know where the election will put us, but I hope that attention shifts back to improving the quality of life for normal folks.
—
Btw, I work with Yarn, the company where you found the “Are we really doing this?” clip. One of the really pleasurable side effects of the work is bumping into stories or conversations like yours. There are so many stories being told on the internet, with so much personal expression, that it’s heartwarming reading the occasional story and identifying with it.
ML
Jen, you got it.
Kevin
I love the thoughts in here. I know how it feels to be out of work for an extended period of time. You lose the sense of who you are and where you’re going. It’s definitely exciting to dream about what can be, and it’s amazing when that new source of income starts flowing in. I wish you guys the best and we will keep you in our prayers.
Linda
Proverbs 3:
5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
JennaDove
Allllll the positive vibes to you! All the peace and patience. I can’t even put into words how relatable this post is. Again, you are awesome. And you’re doing great.