Here’s a common scenario:
A couple moms are hanging out at the playground, letting their first graders burn off some steam after school. One mom begins complaining, “Oh, you have NO idea. I mean, yeah, it’s great that little Johnny can already read at a sixth-grade level and recite his multiplication facts through the fives, but it’s SO MUCH EXTRA WORK! There’s a real challenge involved in keeping gifted kids engaged in school. I have to be constantly vigilant to make sure he’s being challenged in class…” And on and on and on.
I’ve been guilty of engaging in some version of that myself (Ugh. If I could just go back and slap my earnest furrowed brow) and I love me some mamas for whom this is a standard topic of conversation, though Lord knows, I’d rather talk about bathtub mold than extracurricular enrichment.
THIS IS NOT THAT.
Those conversations are about academically advanced kids, top-of-the-class kids, “bright” kids.
This post is about life with a “gifted” kid.
Gifted. I hate that word. It’s so pretentious (isn’t everyone gifted at/with SOMETHING?) and misunderstood.
I’m gonna use “touched” instead. Growing up in North Carolina, when we ran into someone a little different, a little off in a way that was perceivable to complete strangers, we’d say she was “touched”. There was the understanding that she had challenges most didn’t face, but also the implication that maybe she’d been given a little something extra by God (or the universe or DNA) to make up for it.
My ten-year-old son is touched.
The psychologists call it “thrice exceptional” but here’s what that really means and what it looks like at my house.
The Data
My son has ADHD. Nothing new there. All around the world, tonight parents are struggling to get their children to sit down and focus on the one particular task at hand – homework. It’s not that kids with ADHD can’t focus on anything, it’s that they focus on EVERYTHING. All at the same time.
My son has OCD. His particular form is extreme perfectionism, especially pertaining to handwriting and language. All his letters have to be exactly the same density, height, and space apart. Words and definitions have to be precise and expertly chosen.
My son’s IQ is astronomical. However, his processing speed (how quickly he can access and deliver information he knows) is just on the borderline between average and below average.
There’s a sticky wicket here. Those other things, the ADHD, the OCD – they can be co-occurring issues, but they can also be simply manifestations of giftedness (see this article for more information). So the takeaway is that giftedness can actually encompass a plethora of “disorders and disabilities”. See? I told you that touched was a better way to think of it.
The Low Down
A homework assignment that would take an average student an hour to complete takes Grey FOUR hours to finish. And here’s the kicker: he already knows all the answers. It’s just between making sure that his (teeny-tiny) handwriting is perfect, arguing the syntax of the question (“What does it mean, ‘The idea of the poem’?! Poems don’t have ideas. They have themes, sometimes rhyme schemes or rhythmic meter, but they can’t have ideas!”), and daydreaming about the potential flaws in Einstein’s Theory of Relativity or the cost to the railroad both in public opinion and cold hard cash if Train A traveling toward Philly at 142 miles per hour accidentally (or maybe not so accidentally, perhaps it’s a conspiracy!) collided with Train B, he loses a lot of valuable time.
Does he care?
OF COURSE, HE CARES! Thirty minutes in he’ll bust out crying and launch into a big ol’ tirade about Finland’s superior educational system where they don’t even HAVE homework. (This is true. I looked it up.)
In class, Grey often writes down only half of his homework and class notes. The board gets erased before he can copy it all out. He frequently misses recess because he has to complete deskwork. This is especially frustrating for a boy who only wanted to go to public school so he could meet some friends in the neighborhood. And he does have friends. His particular kind of touched comes with a wry sense of sarcasm and comedy that helps him make friends easily. Still, every day, the answer to “How was your day?” is “Barely better than awful.”
At home, Grey is an obsessive corrector. If something isn’t factually true or blatantly just, it’s up for debate. Since he’s so pissed off about the “barely better than awful” day and the four hours of homework, this quickly escalates into a screaming match. Juliette, my “highly sensitive” middle child is just fuel for his fire. Here’s a blow by blow of a recent row:
Juliette: Hey, look! I got invited to Jordan’s birthday party!
Twin A: Can I go too?
Juliette: No. You don’t know Jordan. She’s a girl from my class.
Grey: You don’t have to know someone to be invited to their party.
Juliette: Yes you do.
Grey: No, you don’t.
Juliette: You do too! And Jordan is MY friend in MY class. You don’t even know!
Grey: No! You don’t have to know the person. You have to be invited.
Juliette: That’s what I said!
Grey: No it isn’t. You said you had to know the person. But you don’t. You only have to be invited. Now, usually you’re only invited to a party by someone you know, but not always. Like a gubernatorial dinner – you don’t have to KNOW the governor to go, you merely have to be invited by the governor. There’s a difference.
Juliette: Sobbing incoherently...
A version of this happens at least twice a day at my house. Now, mind you this is the same boy who will still try to fit in my lap, has 28 stuffed animals, and allows his little sisters to tie him to a chair and pretend he’s a “robber”.
I love that kid more than I love breathing. Still, it can be hard to deal with someone who thinks they are smarter than you. Especially when they are four feet tall. Especially when they are right.
The Take-Away
I worry about school. His teachers and counselors have all but said we should homeschool him next year. (And I was almost free!) But that’s just sixth grade. What happens in high school? What happens when he needs two weeks to take the SATs? And assuming we jump those hurdles, what happens when he inevitably ends up with a boss who isn’t as smart as he is or as patient as I am?
I worry about the anger. How do you teach a child to manage the frustration of only being able to demonstrate 50% of his potential? How do you train him to just let other people be wrong?
I have no idea.
But I know this: To those moms on the playground worried about “challenging” their first graders – Sit tight. Save your energy. If your child is half as “gifted” as you think she is, soon enough you’ll both be faced with challenges galore.
Steve Walls
As much as I revere educators, there has been a recent (50 years?) trend to make our public schools into education factories. The problem with this model is that production slows if there are anomalous “parts” which tend to be rejected and recycled. Not such a great model for infinitely unique human beings.
Jen
Amen.
Simone
Keep up the good work Mama! You’re doing wonderfully!
And seriously, start planting the seeds of entrepreneurship now. Speaking from experience (in hindsight and as a 37 year old adult with a VERY similar “touch” ) he’ll never have a boss as smart as he is. BUT he’ll also never have anyone drive him to achieve as much greatness as he will drive himself. Grey will absolutely do amazing things when he learns (with all of the bumps and bruises that life will inevitably deal) how to “use his powers for good”! ?
Love you guys and praying you find what works best for both of you.
Kersten Biehn
Please let me know if I can help with resource suggestions in any way. As an elementary school principal in charge of learning support, I work with “twice exceptional” kids like Grey regularly. We consider it an honor and a privilege to celebrate the neurodiversity of our students. At our school, we incorporate flexible seating, extra recess, tests read aloud to kids, learning menus to choose how to approach assignments, you name it to help reach every child. I really believe that your school can do more.
My first question: does he have an IEP that includes provisions for extra time or length modification on assessments or homework? If he has diagnoses for ADHD, Anxiety, OCD, and processing disorder, as well as an identified high IQ, then his IEP should reflect that: extra time, changing the language to break down instructions, modified assignments, enrichment and alternate activities (does the school have a gifted program?), separate seating for testing, etc. If you get these accommodations and modifications documented now, then he will be able to utilize them in middle and high school, when the expectations become more intense and the testing stakes go up each year.
Jen
Hi Kersten,
Thanks for your thoughtful and detailed comment. Grey does have an IEP, which was requested by his teacher for admittance into our county’s gifted program (which meets 2x a week for an hour in the school). It was actually at the 2 hour IEP meeting that homeschooling was mentioned – in large part because we’ve homeschooled before, I’m sure. The understanding I have from that meeting is that though we may request accommodations on his IEP (more time, assignments based on pre-test results so he’s only working on things he needs to study, typing vs. writing responses, etc) the school will likely be unable to actually implement those accommodations. In fact, we were told that extra time would probably not be accepted based on IQ- which made ZERO sense to me. So, basically they said they’d write down their suggestions (all of those above) but we shouldn’t hold our breath. Also… Grey moves very slowly (zero time urgency), so he’s always late to lunch, PE, etc. The administration raised concerns about him changing classes 6 times a day (in 4 minutes) and the number of detentions he’d likely accumulate. Does your school have provisions for a problem like this? It’s not a motivation issue, he’d move slowly if chased by a bull whip. ? We’ve been lucky this year because his teacher already knows he’s mastered the material, so in most cases we institute a 90 min. Homework policy. What he can get done in 90 minutes is what is turned in. We completely ignore assignments such as writing an entire spelling list 6 times each, and I often transcribe his responses when typing and printing them is not a possibility.
Kersten Biehn
I’m not sure if it is the specific school or if practices are just different in the state of Tennessee (we are in NC), but what you are describing shows a strikingly low level of flexibility in thinking. Copying spelling words six times? No one should have to do that! We also don’t give detentions for tardies and have a “grace period” of a couple of minutes before we even count a kid as late. It may be best to communicate with specific teachers individually if the IEP doesn’t include the accommodations that it sounds like he needs. Or, maybe homeschooling is the best choice for him and, perhaps, you can find other families with similar frustrations who want to work with you to put together small classes? I do hope that you can find helpful and knowledgeable educators who can guide you through the public school in TN. So sorry that this is happening to Grey!
Gina Waters
Schools have to abide by the iep! I would sweetly suggest that the iep be met and accomodated! The biggest key is getting the right teacher that will understand Grey!
laura Odum
My kiddo is touched and has hearing loss… Gotta love a complex kid! For his school they’ve started doing a lot more “independent study” types of things for him. So for example in his current writing unit they are discussing informational essays (3rd grade). So the class is researching animals and writing about their habitats, foods and characteristics. My son is researching the origins of fall celebrations like Halloween (his idea). He and his teacher have created his rubric for what she will be looking at. He’s decided his topics of interest are origins of different fall celebrations, the differences culturally with them and then how costuming is used in each. Half way through (because his executive functioning needs some exercise) he’s doing a self analysis worksheet on his time management and at the end he’ll do a reflection of his planning and time use. He is also doing a Newbery Award Challenge with our librarian for his reading group. He has similar independent study options for math. Now we just have to get the asyncronis development piece figured out because the hearing loss (he wears hearing aids) contributes to some peer-peer misunderstandings (he isn’t ignoring you little girl… he didn’t hear you!).
Jen
Godspeed! I tell my son all the time that what makes him “different” now will be what makes him a super hero later.
Darkest Yorkshire
On the subject of handwriting perfectionism, what about teaching him shorthand? That’s a new language he hasn’t had a chance to develop obsessions about and it even has its own standard of perfection – words per minute – which could also help with time awareness.